I Was Really Drunk That Day

Insane, Savage And Funny Insults

If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

You’re so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.

If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

You’re so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.

You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.

I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.

Finally A Logo That Says It All

Only Six Months Of Life

Real Reason For Blonde Jokes

Please if you have blonde hair do not be offended.

Just because some one is blonde doesn’t mean they are stupid. I just thought this was kinda funny.

Some Amusing Quotes To Make You Smile

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.

With money in your pocket, you are wise and you are handsome and you sing well, too.

Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.

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Google You Are doing It Wrong

Now Go Tell Him You Have A Headache

It’s a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He’s wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. “Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs* and sort of fan it at him.” He says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he’s doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. “Now!, tell HIM you have a headache.”

I Don’t want To Live With Your Wife Anymore…..

Why Do Women Lie

If you think your woman would never lie to you, guess again. From little white lies to the more serious variety, most women will curtail the truth at some point in a relationship. Her motivation for lying can stem from wanting to protect your feelings or, sure enough, to save her own butt.

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, ‘My dear child, why are you crying?’ The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

‘Is this your thimble?’ the Lord asked The seamstress replied, ‘No.’
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

‘Is this your thimble?’ the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, ‘No.’The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

‘Is this your thimble ?’ the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, ‘Yes.’ The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, ‘Why are you crying?’ ‘Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!’

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. ‘Is this your husband?’ the Lord asked.

‘Yes,’ cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. ‘You lied! That is an untruth!’ The seamstress replied, ‘Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
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